Learning to Transition

A fifth grade student recently asked me “What is the hardest grade?” After a few clarifying questions I reached the conclusion that she was curious if the grade she was in is the most challenging or would there be more challenges yet to come. I shared that in my experience each level has its own version of “hard” because we are continuing to learn new things and being pushed in ways we didn’t know we were going to be challenged by. @drcarolineleaf appropriately notes the mindset transition we experience as “speak from your scars not your wounds. Speak from a place of healing, not hurt.”

The transitions we make as adults are similar to our grade levels in school. Each presents it’s own level of challenge, but in its own uniquely hard way and hopefully as a result of our learned experience, we are better equipped to handle the challenges that come. Working with students, discussing growth mindset and a need to learn from moments of struggle seems natural. They are growing and learning; yet, as adults we often overlook the same advice holds true.

In schools, we use the term transition to indicate the transfer either in physical or mental space from one activity to another. Our students often find these moments of change (although often brief in nature) the most upsetting and troubling part of the day. As I consider my own transitions, I feel this turbulence as I learn how to re-learn and grow through tough moments. Becky DuFour once stated “clarity precedes confidence.” During time of transition it is this lack of clarity that I find needing to hold the most to my faith in the journey. Some days I swim strongly in spite of the learning tide. Other days, I find myself a stick caught in a muddy river bank of a fixed mindset which feels slightly oxymoronic in a career culture dedicated to growth.

Grace and grief, like learning, bring transitions: wisdom through challenges and strength through resilience. My grief catches me at unexpected moments. In this way it is more raw and complex than the transitions I am experiencing in my professional life. As a learner, I accept I need to endure productive struggle, yet, personally I am unsure when to let my guard down. Afraid to allow others into my story for fear my vulnerability will be viewed as a characteristic of weakness or inability. When someone from my new community asks how many kids I have, I catch myself before I answer with “one.” My response determined by my ability to process my vulnerability. The other day after introducing myself to a parent, she greeted me by stating “I know you. You are Josh’s mom, right?” My personal and professional blurred and I found myself speechless only able to wipe my eye, catch my breath and nod yes.

On what would have been Mom’s 73rd birthday, all I wanted was to seek out goodness in life and people. The morning sky was bursting with color and I sang along with Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” on my drive to work. I learned a staff member who exemplifies kindness shares her birthday. I find it fitting they are kindred spirits. I shared with a colleague that it was a hard day and she acknowledged that we never know when grief will hit us but she too thanks her mom for beautiful sunrises. That night I enjoyed a birthday cupcake and sang happy birthday into the clear, crisp, star filled November sky.

Emma is learning and growing daily. Her energy for life and curiosity to learn new things is contagious. The other day in a parking lot she asked me to stop and “take a picture of the heart.” I looked around confused and she said in her all knowing six year old tone, “the one on the ground, Mom.” I love her ability to see beauty even in an icy parking lot. Daily, she reminds me to pause and take in the simple goodness of time together.

Today on the anniversary of Josh’s angel day, I will spend the day reflecting on the moments of goodness we shared. I am humbled by the power of our community both then and now. Thankful for those who gave us the gift of time well spent and who continue to support us by cherishing his memory now. Thank you for being a part of his and our story. He was our handsome man. His silly smile melted our hearts.

In Curious, Courageous, and Confident I reflected that “My search for grace in grief parallels change…As I move into this next stage, I hope to continue to be curious, courageous, and confident so when all is said and done, I have made each day, even the hard ones, count.” True, this was a goal for the year, but it holds value for my outlook on the days and time I am given. Now, over third of the way through the school year and years after Josh’s passing, I feel pressured to have already mastered my learning. I often grow frustrated with myself when I don’t have the answers. I can say, honestly, I am learning and growing every day. I am thankful for the love and support Courtney and I share as we continue our journey. As we head into 2024, I know there will be more moments of transition, but am confident every memory will be worth making together.