Shadow Tag of the Seasons

It has been an unseasonably warm fall in Billings. It has given me more time to take in the colors and the beauty that often is so allusive after an early Montana frost or October snowstorm. The shadows of fall’s sunshine mixes with blasts of winter wind and reminds me that the weather will soon shift and I will need to look for glimpses of beauty in the next season. The cottonwood in our backward has been a consistent tower over our yard providing shade and shadows. From the porch and hot tub I would watch the ripple of its shadowy limbs wave across the side of the house and on our gusty nights I would say a prayer that its branches would hold steadfast and not come through our bedroom ceiling. This fall we had to have it removed and now in its absence, I have been intrigued to find in its absence shade and shadows I never knew existed.

Shadows have always fascinated me. Perhaps this interest stems from the intro scene of Peter Pan when Wendy is awaken by the shadow on the wall from Peter Pan’s playful chase to catch his shadow. Looking through old photos recently, we stumbled across a video of Emma playing shadow tag as a toddler. Courtney was bending and twisting ever so slightly and Emma’s giggle can be heard saying “Daddy, let me catch it” as she toddles back and forth across the blacktop in chase of his shadow. The three of us laughed, remembering the joys from a simple time and a simple game.

Like shadows and the changing of seasons, grief too has its subtleties. As @AdamMGrant notes “Grief is not purely a negative emotion. Over time, it becomes bittersweet-sadness is joined by love and gratitude.”

This fall I have had the privilege to work with both an executive life coach and a health and wellness coach. My decision to draw a clear distinction between my leadership goals and personal wellness goals ironically has helped me see how much they intertwine and how both elements must be well for either to be sustainable. When Josh died, I turned to work and running as my outlets because they were elements where I could feel like I had some form of control. As a result, my wellness and perception of what was a healthy work/life balance became skewed. Court and my relationship suffered and I filled the day with busy instead of intent. During our last month with Mom, time and in a way everything else paused. Court became a single parent, I took time off work, and all that mattered was each day we were given. My grief and my gratitude for the quality time and gifts I had from each day spent with Josh and Mom are where I now am working to find grace for myself as I consider the impact I have on others.

Part of my wellness goal is to find joy in the things that once brought me confidence and pride. With Courtney’s continued support, I am working towards the goal of running a full marathon this summer. I have a long way to go to bring my health back to where I once was, but at the same time, my hope is to now do so in a more balanced way – this time also being aware Emma is watching every move I make. @theplantedrunner in her post reflects on the need to develop the skill to both hold back and hold on.

In October we celebrate the day Emma officially became a Tyree. I took the day off and was able to read with her class and have lunch with her at school, but instead of wanting to do something with me after school she chose to go with friends. I was both proud of her for having close friends and sad that I was no longer her first pick. Days like this, I often find myself wanting to call my mom for advice, but know the way she chose to live her life was her advice. She was a master of holding back and holding on.

In general, it seems that shadows often receive a negative connotation. They are allusive, mischievous, grey, and dark; however, they are also a curiosity as they only exist as a result of the light in our lives. It reminds me of Cody Jinx’s song “Grey” which challenges us to “rediscover the colors in the grey.” This juxtaposition of light and darkness, color and grey both fitting for so many analogies about life as it is the need for both to exist in balance.

As the fall transitions to winter, here is to the next round of goals, adventures, and to each day I am given to make an impact.