This past spring Graceful Grief hit a milestone of 10,000 views. I took the opportunity to look back on my initial posts to see what updates I needed to make and to ensure I was still following my purpose for capturing the narrative.
When I started this blog, I wanted to be sure the memories of Josh’s life would continue because to imagine life without him or a faded memory of him felt too cruel. I was afraid his life would go unnoticed, unfelt- which honestly, felt unjust.
I also wanted to serve dual purposes by working to heal my own brokenness and to help provide support for others who were grieving. I wanted to have purpose as I felt selfish if my sadness could not benefit some larger purpose. I challenged myself to not hide emotions and instead, find comfort openly sharing.
One of my favorite shirts states “healing is not linear – everyday is a step forward.” This non-linear, but forward movement is illustrated by the narrative arch of the posts over the past eight years. Through the process, my family, as always, has been both my largest supporters and my editors when my memory (or madness) went a bit off course of the purpose of the blog. I am as connected now to my initial purpose as I was then, but the urgency and frequency of which I post has slowed. I have found this to be true for a number of elements in my life, my pace has slowed. For many this is a purposeful slowing, I am working to be intentional and find moments of joy in all facets of life.
So too, this focus on clarity and intentionality has moved into my professional role. During a meeting a colleague shared the quote “imagine what you could do if you weren’t afraid.” As much as I would like to say it doesn’t, fear has played a significant role in many moments both professionally and personally. As a teacher, coach, and now as a principal I am continually learning to give grace to myself as I recognize and face fears so my responses are shared from a place of purpose. I have the best job and although there are hard days, each one comes with an opportunity to choose how I interact with those around me. Our stories are what make us who we are and make our lives more than the data on a page. Our school is beginning to implement the community school model. This visual representation helps illustrate this mindset shift as we braid and blend narratives and resources to advance our shared community story.
This blog has helped me to heal, to find comfort being vulnerable in my imperfections, and to give myself grace knowing it is a journey. One of the mindset shifts I have tried to hold to is the impact of each day and how I am modeling for Emma and others. When Emma was little, a friend shared this quote and it has helped shape my perspective on using each day to the fullest
I remember distinctly realizing early on my grief that I was no longer afraid to die, but instead pained that Josh died and I was still alive. Now, I share the fear that many parents do that Emma will experience hard things and I will not be able to protect her or prepare her for them all. Yet, I understand this is the fearful responsibility we are given when we love someone.
My sister Emily has always been my hero. Her ability to always see the goodness in people or situations was learned from my mom. This June she completed her first half marathon and smiled I am pretty sure the entire time. It was raining so our friend Karissa brought us all umbrella hats. Even as we approached the finish line over the Higgins Street bridge, Emily had us pause for one more selfie to capture the joy of the day.
My goal continuing this blog is to hold true to its original purpose while being honest with myself and others as I walk through the fears and celebrations of moving forward one day at a time.
Graceful Grief 